Respectful Change: A Fundamental Misunderstanding About Autism

There is little more certain in life than change. In Buddhism, this concept is referred to as “impermanence”, meaning that the essential nature of anything is ever-changing (and therefore has no inherent identity). While it may ostensibly appear the same, a new chair is fundamentally not the same chair it will be after 20 years of use.

In my opinion, one major misconception about people on the spectrum is that they do not like change. Some say that Autistic individuals don’t like change because of anxieties around sensory issues. I would call that related to sensory issues or anxiety, but not change. Another common speculation has to do with changes in routines. However, everyone needs a sense of stability and routine in life.

“Not liking change” is an ambiguous statement in and of itself because, in truth, a lot of people don’t necessarily like or immediately adapt well to change — especially changes in routine — whether they are neurodivergent or not. For example, the tragedy of “Forgotten Baby Syndrome” is said, in large part, to stem from “habit memory system” competition and parents or caretakers deviating from their routines. 

Personally and generally speaking, I like change but, like most anyone else, it depends what it is and how it is enacted. If I could, I would advocate for change all day long — for equal rights, animal rights, the climate, and other causes.

However, if we have an agreement or an agreed upon expectation, and you change things last minute without giving me the consideration of a head’s up, that’s a different animal. It’s not about change. It’s about respect, consent, and sometimes trust. It’s also about not being so self-absorbed as to presume that anyone wants to automatically comply with something about which full disclosures and consent were never given. In that sense, one could say it’s about boundaries. Maybe a majority of individuals on the spectrum simply have the audacity to believe and assert a sense of autonomy in a world that overwhelmingly expects unquestioned compliance. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Would it be a stretch to say that certain social aspects of life have a herd or beehive mentality? I don’t think so. Certainly there are times a group dynamic is necessary, yet it’s often as if you are expected to say “yes” to everything, to go along with anything, regardless of how you actually feel about it. To me, that is more pathological than not wanting to do something because you never agreed to it. If you dare to say “no” in certain settings, people can be quick to judge you as “difficult”, “resistant”, or other negative labels, when, in truth, you are none of those things. You’re just being you.

If you are reading this and haven’t tried the following already, here is what I suggest. The next time someone you care about on the spectrum appears to be digging their heels about an alteration in their routines or another change, don’t just drag them through it while they have steam coming out of their ears. Talk to them about it, calmly, and try to tune into them. Explain the reason for the change, why it is needed or suggested. Be genuine, don’t try to give it a spin for the better, at least not right away. Better yet: talk to them calmly and kindly about it before you attempt the change. Try to get mutual understanding and consent. Their answer may be yes or no, but the key — as cliched and simple as it may sound — is to treat them with respect (including their autonomy) and avoid the energy of forcing things. It’s in the relating. Of course, I can’t make any guarantees but I think the odds of having a better outcome will be greatly increased. If you have success stories, I want to hear them.