How to Self-Advocate

I was extremely shy when I was little. To the point where I would avoid raising my hand in class, or even sometimes getting off at my stop if the bus was crowded and it meant avoiding having eyes on me. If you had told me back then that I’d grow up to be Ms. Sassypants, I’d have thought you were delulu. It’s been a journey, part of which has been learning to self-advocate – it’s necessary when you’re on the spectrum. Especially a woman on the spectrum. You don’t always know when you’ll need to advocate. You just know you will.

Self-advocating involves a clear, strong mindset. All I know is that if I used to avoid raising my hand in class and can have that mindset now, anyone can. Here are 5, life-tested tips for self-advocating when you’re on the spectrum. This is focused on commercial situations, not purely personal ones, because that’s a whole other piece (though there is some overlap):

Understand That Self-Advocacy Is No One Else’s Responsibility but Your Own

I’m of the opinion that no one is going to rescue you; that you’re the one and the hero you’ve been waiting for. This doesn’t mean people won’t support you when you self-advocate, it simply means it starts with you. And it’s a long game, often requiring persistence. I find this especially true in the medical field, where medical gaslighting can run amok. Some people don’t self-advocate because they assume others should know, but they usually don’t. Even if people know what Asperger’s or Autism are, they don’t know how it uniquely manifests in you. You can teach others about yourself and how you want to be treated. 

Know You Are Worthy and Deserving of Respect and Compassion

Many people struggle with truly feeling and believing that, especially when society tends to give messages that you are “less than”. This, in turn, can lead you to believe that your needs aren’t valid, or that other peoples’ comfort or needs are more important than your own. It can take a lifetime to feel good about who you are in every cell, but life’s about the journey right? Besides, you don’t have to be perfect or 100% self-loving to self-advocate. Talk to yourself and feel about yourself like you would your favorite person in the world. It matters because you don’t advocate for people you don’t care about. Care about yourself and how you are treated.

Decide and Follow Through

There’s a moment when something goes sideways, in which you can decide to address it or not. Not all of life’s situations call for addressing. But when it matters to you and you decide to do something about it, follow through as best you can. Doing so builds self-trust. Find words. Sometimes that means being willing to pause what’s going on and have awkward conversations. Get comfortable with the possibility of being disliked for speaking up. Afterall, do you want to stick around somewhere that isn’t interested in your well-being? Awkward gets a bad rap a lot of the time, but I’ve come to appreciate it because awkward is where change can happen.

Stay Grounded

In situations that are stressful or heated, it may feel unnatural at first, but it’s important and effective to communicate in a grounded and rational manner, while maintaining control over anger and frustration, no matter how justified those feelings may be.

I don’t know if “take the emotion out of it” will ever fully work for me. But I can work with harnessing the energy of emotions to be more effective, without putting them on display. Crying is usually received differently than anger or frustration, I think because it feels less potentially threatening to others.

For many on the spectrum, I think this can be particularly challenging because we feel deeply. Sometimes to the point where words go out the window entirely. What I’ve found helpful is deep breathing, doing my best to detach, and dispelling the energetic charge that can come with upsetting experiences. For some people that’s done through taking a walk, for others it’s talking to someone, or journaling. Easier said than done, but I recommend doing your best to get things right and organized within yourself, before trying to make things right and organized with anyone else. Always do your best to communicate respectfully, clearly, and concisely.

Know Thyself

This time-tested maxim was originally inscribed on the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, in ancient Greece. The more you know your needs and boundaries (what’s okay and not okay), the easier it is to communicate them. The more you know yourself, the harder it is for the winds of external opinion and pressure to knock you down. This is also easier said than done for most people, and can take a lifetime to master.

Given that the written diagnosis of Autism does a poor job of encompassing all those it’s supposed to represent – especially for women – I think one of the greatest challenges in knowing thyself is point of reference.

Autistic comedian Hannah Gadsby may’ve put it best: “Being autistic is like being the only sober person in a room full of drunks OR the other way around. Basically, everyone is operating on a wavelength you can’t quite key into.” (Time stamp 0:10, but I won’t discourage you from watching the whole thing.) How would one even begin articulating one’s experience, if you didn’t realize the other people in the room were drunk (or sober)? Where does one start to wedge the crowbar of differentiation?

I’ve found that there are subtle and countless ways my neurodivergence manifests in my life, but it’s taken experience, observation, accountability, introspection, and a lot of patience (with myself and others). It’s also ongoing and imperfect.

People often underestimate the strength of individuals on the spectrum. I actually think it’s extra warrior-esque to make your way in a world that, for the most part, doesn’t get you. I do think that’s changing, and that part of it is because more of us are using our voices.