5 “Off-Label” Signs You May Be a Woman on the Spectrum

The days of relying on patriarchal systems to ensure or support your womanly well-being are not just long gone, they never existed. This piece is based on my experience and observations, as well as my growing opinion that Autism and Asperger’s often manifest differently in women versus men. Some of it is backed by scientific research. Most of it isn’t. I figure if women aren’t going to receive equal representation in psychological research, then you might as well take the proverbial bull by its horns. Here are 5 “off-label” signs you may be a woman on the spectrum:

You’re different in writing than in person (especially when it comes to socializing).

When I was a teen, I had a pen pal. We briefly met one summer and then wrote letters to each other regularly (on paper, using stamped envelopes!). After some time, we met and hung out in person, where she made the observation that I seemed different in writing than in person (not at all in a negative tone, more of a curious one).

I could see what she meant. In person, back then, I was more humorous, less direct, intense, and broody, compared to my letter-written persona. It was different from work, for example, where people use professional language versus the language they would use with personal friends or family.

In retrospect, since we have the vocabulary now, I attribute the difference to masking — a form of identity suppression. Masking is often a well-developed skill in females on the spectrum, due to stereotypes of how women are expected to behave.

While it is frustrating to say as a woman, directness, bluntness — even bold, empowered speech or flat-out intelligence — have traditionally been less “appropriate” for us compared to men. There is frequent pressure to be caregivers, yielding, unobtrusive, or “lady-like”. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with those qualities — so long as they’re chosen.

When one writes literary creations or communications, the visual presence of a person is removed. It’s easier to write what you mean without social expectations of how you should be when you say it. You can take your time. There are fewer distractions.

Reading is similar. Not that people, for example, don’t misread tone in emails. However, generally speaking, you take in what is written, rather than seeing socially conditioned projections. Combined with the fact that reading directness generally fares better than hearing directness, I think differences in writing versus non-writing personas might be more noticeable in women on the spectrum compared to men.

It’s a strange time. Everyone wants to be authentic but not everyone feels like they can be. Not safely, at least. In that regard and in many respects, I think women on the spectrum are often ahead of the curve.

You find most if not all make-up irksome.

I used to find make-up suffocating, functionally annoying (I want to wipe my face if I need to, without getting beige pigment all over my clothes), and conceptually questionable (why the hyperfixation on external appearances and hiding imperfections? Are they “imperfections”?). Nail polish felt like it disrupted the natural breathability of my keratin, it felt weighty. It was also like I came hard-wired with the knowledge that most of the stuff was bad for your skin, though that’s changed a lot recently with clean beauty.

As a result and for most of my life, I never wore much, if any, of it and certainly not regularly. Clean beauty products have changed the game and these days, I enjoy having fun with some products from time to time. However, I believe it is as a result of not wearing make-up most of my life that my skin has remained as healthy as it has!

You don’t necessarily feel awkward, but society at large does — not solely awkward, but unevolved.

We frequent cavernous spaces that sell packaged and pre-picked food and drinks – often with ingredients that are known to harm our health. We beep and boop our way out of them, usually with help from people who stand in a 2’ x 2’ space for hours at a time, day after day.

Machines in walls suck our money into them, taking cash into an abstract collective that we’re told exists yet never see. It is merely hinted to us by a screen or print out that says the money you just gave away is the money you have.

We build workout spaces, and spaces within those spaces, to workout in more specific ways. Sometimes we go to professionals who think they can speculate better about our own bodies than we can. Who often believe each other more than the patient in front of them.

We put younglings in places that shape their thinking for industrialized capitalism. Economies can collapse and poverty persists, yet it’s all human-made, it’s all built into the construct, and could be made better. We are expected to trust in entities with known corruption.

Our human set-up on this beautiful earth is curious indeed. It should be questioned. I think one possible off-label sign is being aware of just how arbitrary and — let’s be real — often depressing it all is, and how much potential there is for more.

Persistent overwhelm and/or exhaustion.

You’ve gone to great lengths to rule out all the physical, mental, and emotional items you can think of, but you’re overwhelmed and exhausted more easily and more often than you’d like; previously minor stimuli can frequently become borderline intolerable. If this is the case, it’s possible you’re experiencing autistic burnout or Asperger’s burnout.

A close cousin of masking, autistic or Asperger’s burnout are just what they sound like. They’re essentially depletion and exhaustion from the pervasive trauma, stress and distress of being wired-up in a way that is largely incompatible with the status quo (and all that accompanies it, such as gaslighting, exclusion, scapegoating, poor boundaries, excessive greed, etc.). Some additionally experience these types of burnout as the consequence of intense, precise focus (often at work). I also believe enhanced sensory and energetic sensitivities (including being an empath) contribute considerably.

It’s easier said than done but in my opinion, the best long-term solution for this is to a) understand how you operate, what you need, and implement boundaries around it, and b) create a life that brings you joy and peace, with people and environments that get you and want to support you, while appreciating that it may not look like anyone else’s paradise. It’s exhausting pretending to be someone you’re not.

You can be highly social, high achieving, intelligent, communicative, empathetic, motivated, creative, adept at reading people (especially vibes), and not hand-flap or have singular, special interests, including trains.

This one’s a little tongue-in-cheek. The fixation on what’s wrong with Autism and Asperger’s needs to be checked. I like how I’m wired up. I would choose it again. It also goes back to neurodivergence expressing differently in women versus men, a lot of the time — as much as 80% of the time as of 2023, more specifically. In my opinion, this unacceptable statistic reflects a fundamental ignorance and neglect of what being on the spectrum can be like for females.

I’ve met plenty of intellectually and emotionally intelligent women on the spectrum. There was nothing cookie cutter about them. Not compared to textbook definitions of Autism or Asperger’s, and not compared to anyone else, including one another. Ultimately, I look forward to a time when people can respect what makes everyone unique (from the inside out), without making anyone “other”.